i don’t know how to explain it, but this place holds something i can’t seem to let go of. i went here two months ago, sat across from someone i truly thought would be my last, someone i prayed for, someone who made everything feel like finally. this the first place i saw him, and sadly the last time also. the food was stunningly beautiful not just in taste, but in the way it served at the table, perfecto! i feel like even the plates understood they were entering something fragile, something sacred…. between us? he ordered a sloppy joe cheese steak sandwich, and god… i loved how the sauce clung to the corner of his lips. messy, warm, human. hahaha i miss mothering him, the way my fingers moved on their own, wiping the things he didn’t notice, cleaning up the quiet chaos he always left behind. duh. i had mac and cheese. kept it simple, biar bisa langsung hap hap aja. and it was amazing, genuinely. or maybe it just tasted better because it was with him. either way… still, major kudos to the chef and the waitress!. later he asked me if i wanted dessert, and of course i said yes. we shared ice cream and a sea salt coffee. and rasa manisnya pas, not too much, not too little. but in that moment? i swearr it felt sweeter than anything i’d ever tasted. and i blame him. i blame his smile. the softness in his eyes. the laugh he made mid-conversation that made the whole restaurant fade into background noise. we laughed, i stared at him a little too long, memorizing every line on his face, thinking, if this is love, then please don’t take it from me. but life has a funny way of giving and then disappearing. he left. just like that. no reason, no goodbye, no closure. not even a single word after every conversation we had about marriage, about forever, about building a life together. nothing. and that’s the part that haunts me most…there wasn’t a fight, there wasn’t a betrayal, there wasn’t even an ending. it was just… silence. a sudden stillness after all the words he once used to make me feel safe. and sometimes i wonder if he ever meant them at all….? like maybe love was never really spoken. like maybe i was the only one who believed in it. like i was standing alone in something i thought we were writing together, but it turns out, it was just me writing, dreaming, hoping. and he… he was already gone but still… i don’t hate you. maybe i should. but i don’t. i guess i’m just that kind of fool… loving you still, even after everything. and now i keep coming back here, not because i’m hoping he’ll return, but because i want to return to me… the girl who felt chosen, who was soft without being scared, who didn’t yet know what it’s like to be left in silence. i will always come at the same time, 2 pm, and i leave around 7, because that’s when we did. i will sit in the same spot. i order the same thing. i let the music sink in, let the warmth of the restaurant hold me for a while. because maybe… if i stay long enough, i can feel it again. the joy, the safety, the version of love i once believed in. even if he’s not here anymore to give it. dear m.a, i’m not hoping you’d come back, but if one day you wonder where the version of me who loved you most still lives, i’ll be here, in the exact same spot, where you once made my soul believe it was finally safe.
- a z -